i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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