There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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