I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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