Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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