my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
