I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
