I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
