what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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