If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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