dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
