She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
