$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
