Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
