I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
