that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
