I accidentally burped into my bong.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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