I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Randomize
