Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
