Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
