the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize