May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
