Porn is love you can see.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Randomize
