You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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