Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
