Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's blow job season.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
