i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize