i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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