That's intense
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
