R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
