Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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