mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
