i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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