Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
