I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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