I think i sorta joined a cult last night
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
the room spins SO much faster in panama
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
