My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
