the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I got her a Nickelback box set.
How's work?
Spinning.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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