I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
