HIV tests are more positive than that guy
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
