Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I think my vagina is haunted
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
