I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
