i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
