Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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