We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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