I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize