I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
