I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
