There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
