I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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