I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
