her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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