You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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