On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
