I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
