Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
