and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize