Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize