thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
