1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
