He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
