We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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