You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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