She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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