what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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