My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Randomize
