i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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