May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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