I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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