so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
