Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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