Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
