yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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