Having a random hookup so left but love u
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
