could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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