just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
