Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
