I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
