is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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