I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
