Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
